wicked and that ain't so easy
 
"if there were but world enough and time..."

but there isn't.

so......spit it out.
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Dead quiet
Posted:Jan 3, 2019 11:49 am
Last Updated:Jan 12, 2019 1:59 pm
511 Views
It’s an odd phrase isn’t it?

There’s really no such thing as truly quiet in a house that has its own set of noises with an old refrigerator, with the wind outside, cars passing however infrequently. The pipes reminding you they’re trying to keep pace with the cold. Even that sort of energetic buzz that’s always there in your head no matter what. The tiny chit of the lighter. Your fingers on the keyboard.

But when you take away the sound of breathing life from the room, the click of nails on wood, the snurfle of an ask,…the soft harrumph of old bones settling onto layers of soft quilts. It is so very very still.

It has been two days now almost to the minute yet I find myself expecting to turn a corner, lean over the side of my bed, hear the soft chuffing as he waits outside the bathroom door just to make sure I’m coming out. He had the saddest eyes right before we decided to let him go, and I was reminded of my mother as she was dying. Her words to me. I was curled up with her in her bed, and she held my face and she said no one should have to die like this and she patted my cheek. Her eyes were clear, and she said “my good girl”.

He was my good boy. Such a good boy, always so gentle with kids, little dogs. Everyone knew him. They called him the Mayor at the Park. We gave him salmon for lunch. He couldn’t stand but he could eat. Smiles. Jake came to the house. He liked Jake. He licked his hands and face.

And now, my Charlie Bear is running amok. Lol. Oh yes he is. He is running free, fast as the wind, his plumed tail blowing behind him. That’s him over them in the mud. Rolling, getting stinkified. Such a good boy, such a good boy.

the house is dead quiet, with a Charlie hole in the middle.

28 Comments
survival of the fittest
Posted:Dec 29, 2018 9:40 am
Last Updated:Dec 29, 2018 11:00 am
818 Views

my brother who is an alcoholic spends his holidays helping those who are having trouble with the day getting through it by being an on call crisis person. it's part of his give back now that he is sober. for a man who is very much a curmudgeon, he is deeply kind and comforting to people who are in crisis. perhaps, like most of us, you need to have walked in the shoes, eh?

my body is my tell. it reacts with vicious migraines when I refuse to face the obvious a good cry can sometimes help but not always and for those of you who have migraines you will know that crying with a migraine is a bitch. stillness, the dark and your won miserable thoughts are pretty much what you have until it loosens its hold.

my beautiful dog keeps his distance during these times, I think the energetic waves disturb him and he whimpers softly when he comes in even if I give him a treat, leaving quickly. poor Charlie.

today my head is nearly back to normal size. my hands have stopped tingling and I can see without all the diamonds interfering. ah, it's a blessing.

one wonders if this is what was called the vapors, and since I am medicated and get them infrequently can only imagine the horror of suffering them as some do/did on a regular basis. for me, they are better than a seizure so I should not be complaining at all really.

I have survived the holidays. am rolling into a new year. which, with even a modcum of luck will be better than 2018.

blessed be.
18 Comments
last minute shoppers
Posted:Dec 22, 2018 1:58 pm
Last Updated:Dec 29, 2018 10:56 am
1216 Views

looking for a gift book?.
The Garden of Last Days. Andre Dubus III.
it is un put downable. and the most powerful characters I have met in a long time

utterly utterly stunning.
15 Comments
and a hohoho
Posted:Dec 20, 2018 11:30 am
Last Updated:Jan 19, 2019 1:25 am
1188 Views

for some of us, the holidays are tough.

so i'll be MIA until after January 1 but wishing all of you and yours the best of the season.

catch you on the flip side.
0 Comments
grocery shopping.
Posted:Dec 5, 2018 11:22 am
Last Updated:Dec 9, 2018 1:28 pm
1802 Views
“at least at the grocery store there is nobody who knows there is nobody in love with me”

This is a line from a young poet. I’m sorry I don’t know her name. I saw a short clip of spoken word and it stuck with me.



She pushed the cart up the aisle without looking. It was nearly three o’clock. She had to leave soon if she was to make her appointment with her shrink but she kept pushing the cart, walking up the aisles. It occurred to her that if she missed the appointment she would still have to pay for the appointment, the thought causing a small ripple of something snarkyish that drifted off. Placing a long French loaf in the basket, she tore off the end and enjoying the crisp flakiness of the bread, wishing for some sharp cheese, stomach rumbling, had she eaten this morning, shrugging the thought back into the gray.

Mom shopper passed with two kids in the cart, draped in cereal boxes. They exchanged quick smiles. Women smile at her all the time. She wonders what they see. Do they see just another woman doing woman stuff or do they see another woman with a million sorrows welling up inside about to burst the dam, ready to break apart at any given second. Is the smile a hold on sweetie…it’ll pass, or a me too but it get’s better or a wtf, or just a nod of recognition/resignation.

Or maybe nothing at all other than she’s not a threat in any way. She’s too much a nothing to be a threat in any way at all to anyone at all ever just a small piece of a soul without much light left to it anymore floating along, benign, powerless, without. Tired.

Realizing she’s eaten half the bread, she places it on a shelf, leaves the near empty cart, heads towards checkout with a bottle of wine.

“Did you find everything you need today?”

She startles, looks at the cashier. “not even close”.

The cashier rings her through, now silent.

As she exits, she turns back, “thank you”

Yet another smile.
17 Comments
Back at ya
Posted:Nov 23, 2018 11:19 am
Last Updated:Dec 1, 2018 1:47 pm
2028 Views

I coming back to blog but my first attempt was way way too personal so I shelved it.

now wondering if a bit more time. but I have commented and read and lost the yellow sea so I know how y'all are doing.

anyhoooooooooo. look for me soon. once I figger out how to say something worthwhile again

I missed this.
18 Comments
later...........
Posted:Oct 24, 2018 11:32 am
Last Updated:Jan 19, 2019 1:25 am
2796 Views

i'll be back afterwe all go out

and

vote

and I've slept for a few days...………..smiles.
11 Comments
naturally curly hair
Posted:Oct 13, 2018 12:57 pm
Last Updated:Dec 9, 2018 1:27 pm
3404 Views
When you are fifteen, everything is so much more important. I would sleep with an orange juice can on my head with the rest of my hair clipped around my skull just so that I could have straightish hair but if I woke up to raining, I would curse, pull my already curling hair into pig tails and looking all of 12, mope my skinny, no breast self out the door, sure that life would never, ever be easy, wishing I was blond, buxom and two inches shorter. I was one of 4 should have been 5 kids second oldest, wicked smart head in a book, dazed with words, out of my skin with desire, looking for trouble, terrified that I’d find it.



My best friend kept me close to the angels, but my second-best friend showed me the dark side, the battle for my soul was in full swing that year, leaving me breathless, agitated, manic. Mama shooed me out of the house most days, my energy too much for her to bear unless I was reading, my grotty bike the noble horse on which I rode off to find…..I don’t know……..something, someone, approbation.

I would ride and ride through neighborhoods I didn’t know. This day I was riding by the Mystics, feeling the cars shoosh past me, my hair the most perfect hair it had ever been, sweeping silkily back in the wind., feeling beautiful, strong, alive. More than one bunch of boys shouted at me, and I the fierce warrior goddess ignored them all, filled with such power, such a joyous send of who I was. As the day wore on, I turned for home, pulling off the road to add a sweatshirt. A car with 4 boys pulled in, the whole area was now in shadow, my power suddenly gone, my heart pounding

There is no need for me to tell you what happened. It’s happened to so many of us, it’s almost tangential. Instead I will tell you of the things that seemed to matter to me most.

The birds stopped singing.

After, I walked into the lake, not sure if I would walk out but I did.

One more thing. One more thing.

I pedaled the whole way home standing up.

I was almost late for dinner.

My sister pulled a stick out of my hair at dinner.

later she drew a bath for me. later still she slept with me.

We never told my mom and dad.

I finally got my first period nearly 18 months later.

I became incredibly promiscuous, mean as a snake, and immensely popular.


My best friend stayed my best friend.

I let my hair curl.
27 Comments
#46 pARANOrMAL -DEJA VU
Posted:Oct 1, 2018 12:24 pm
Last Updated:Dec 1, 2018 1:34 pm
3832 Views
My Da was a firm believer in the paranormal. As his bairn we sat at his knee, or cozied in his lap, listening to the stories of his childhood, the mysteries of the man in the rocking chair, the old woman in the window, the blanket that moved with nary a soul to pull it down. we watched Twilight Zone, not as a show but as a warning, a set of clues. My favorite books early on were Syfy and Fantasy but of course mama kept me grounded with the classics yet how I loved to soar beyond this small world.

I was nearly five, just waking from sleep on our annual early morning to miss the traffic trip to Maine and was gazing blearily out the window. I resented this early rising but knew my Auntie would be serving us pancakes halfway there, so hoped I hadn’t woken too early. As we swept along an old road, Da never took highways, we passed a field with cows, a farmhouse and then there it was.

A straight little brick house, all alone with green shutters. I screamed out stop. My Da reacted like I’d pulled string in him. He jammed the brakes and mama squealed as the car swerved off the road. I jumped out. I stood staring at this nothing little house, my heart pounding. It couldn’t be much later than 7 AM. Everything quiet. And from around back an old woman in overalls cam walking out. She raised a hand up. I wasn’t sure if she was saying hello or telling us to stay back, my Da beside me now.



“What, mib, what.”

“It’s mine”

“This place?”

I nodded

“How?”

“Mine,” I repeated.

The woman approached placing a hand over her heart. She called out, “Jane?”

My Da, grabbed me up and rushed me back into the car.

As we sped off, I looked back at the house. I knew the house, I could see all the rooms inside and which one was mine. Mama asked me what the hell I thought I was doing? I said, “my house. “

Da said, “Peg, the woman knew her.”

Mama said, “don’t be foolish.”

We had blueberry pancakes at Auntie’s house and I ate 4. Da went with Uncle Walter out to the barn.

By the time we made it to the camp, my sister was already grumpy, so I went down to the dock and sat tossing rocks by myself, waiting for someone to finish so I could touch the water with my body. I thought I was older in that house of mine. Probably old enough to go in the water all on my own.
18 Comments
this is what you get now
Posted:Sep 28, 2018 11:33 am
Last Updated:Dec 25, 2018 10:49 am
4227 Views

for all of you who support the RNC, do not contact me. ever.

if you in any way think that today was a win....don't bother with me, don't.

if political cartoons offend you, walk away.

if women speaking the truth seems uppity, well, you shouldn't bother with this blog or maybe with women.

if you think boys will be boys is a rationale for abuse.....

go fuck yourselves. I certainly won't

and seriously, if anyone thinks that God would support racism, misogyny, abuse, white privilege, economic inequality...……….then you have not read the bible.

and you really don't want to read me.
33 Comments
never miss a good TADA moment
Posted:Sep 17, 2018 1:19 pm
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2018 12:00 pm
4399 Views

When I was learning how to do polarity work I met a massage practitioner who was also learning but who radiated a level of energetic awareness that was astounding. Over the years she became my healer and when I was “stuck” she would unstick me and when I was pregnant, she massaged us both, a remarkable and giggly joyous 45 minutes every week. She’s younger than me and rather pita energetically, like something that would float on the wind but oh she has moved iron bound muscles with the softest touches until they just melt away, not able to resist her….how could they, no one can. She was here this weekend.

As we were sitting watching some comedy show, laughter filling the room, the comedian, name of Dell something, finished his act with a bit I call TADA. You really have to see the whole thing, but he runs across a homeless dude who tada’s him rather arbitrarily. It annoys him and then later in his act this same dude reappears for yet another TADA moment by stepping out of a bush. I swear I almost hurt myself laughing. You have got to love a good comic.

The next day, whenever something fantastical, off the charts bizarre, or so banal as to warrant a cosmic shake of the head happened, we would simultaneously do a stage TADA including footwork that would send us into paroxysms of laughter and those around us into that shuffle, “wide berth” walking with no eye contact. Delicious, we are so cute together.

Isn’t it just wonderful to feel in synch with someone in an exclusive little way, to have a tiny secret that does no harm at all but yummies us in the moment? We should all be 5 again at least once a week. It is so gleeful. We held hands and skipped off each time. Seriously, 5.

She lightens me up. She says I make her think more clearly.

What I find interesting is that combined we prattle on endlessly. Stories of our lives that lead into discussions of such broad focus unlike most conversations that tend to remain more one-dimensional or become more one dimensional instead of gaining steam. I was tearing off my bra as soon as we got home (do NOT deny you do the same). We were aimlessly chatting about breasts, sexual discomfort, segued to passion, religion fervor, with a toe into the occult, over to how intellect vs.passion, philosophical trends, some physics in there cuz that’s part of the way her mind sees world trends which fascinates me because she is all about astrology and energy and faeries…………good and evil, all while cooking dinner. 45 minutes of mind fuck blended into food prep.

I love this kind of conversation….grins. But really what I want is to have her live next door so I don’t have to wait so long to spend time like this, so relaxed at home with my friend, laughing like loons

Oh and TA DA you left your condoms here………..lmao.
19 Comments
#44 which is so much better than 45 SYmposium
Posted:Sep 5, 2018 3:06 pm
Last Updated:Sep 18, 2018 12:50 pm
4945 Views

I choose anything.

I write what I want and if anyone wants to read it, they do. while not that many do, I find myself content that some do and give me feedback and some give me really honest and open critical feedback which I particularly like.

I realize I an olive (acquired taste) and not all that sexy or funny. I okay with that.

I also a flaming liberal, a masochist, a romantic pragmatist and a damn good sreet fighter.

so, write whatever you want. it's your blog. if I like it, I will read it. if I don't, I won't. kind of like TV, yanno? but I will fight for you to have the right to write what you want to write, even if I find it offensive because this is America. and so if you don't like what I write, don't read me but don't step on my right to write either.

so, we're cool, right? okay then....WRITE.
17 Comments

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Most Recent Comments by Others

Post Poster Post Date
naturally curly hair (54)fizzzy19
Jan 18, 2019 9:32 am
Dead quiet (28)Arkytek
Jan 15, 2019 12:31 pm
survival of the fittest (18)SeaGirlFL
Jan 4, 2019 12:41 pm
last minute shoppers (19)sweet_VM
Dec 25, 2018 12:52 pm
grocery shopping. (32)XHamburgDave
Dec 18, 2018 4:36 am
Back at ya (25)sweet_VM
Dec 2, 2018 3:06 pm
#46 pARANOrMAL -DEJA VU (32)griffiththomas
Nov 26, 2018 7:58 pm
later........... (11)XHamburgDave
Nov 17, 2018 3:44 pm
this is what you get now (70)LexMale4BiFun
Oct 20, 2018 5:51 am
never miss a good TADA moment (37)christylovesfun
Sep 28, 2018 9:14 am
when the quiet makes you worry (31)kzoopair
Sep 8, 2018 11:18 pm